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Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.How about a new reality TV show called "Surviving Wal-Mart?" by J. G. Fabiano Until recently there were two things I had never seen in my life. I had never seen a moose and I had never seen the inside of a Wal-Mart. I know this seems impossible because I’ve lived in Maine for almost three decades and Wal-Mart has basically taken over the world. Since I am into my second half century of life I thought it time to reduce my never-seen list to just one. So, the other day I drove to Newington with the sole purpose of doing something I hadn’t done before: I would become a Wal-Mart shopper. Approaching the giant Wal-Mart store, which had taken over the high ground, like a fortress, I noticed it completely overwhelmed a nearby church. As high as the church steeple strove to reach into the sky it did not make an impression on the giant, white, geometric monolith that has become the principal house of worship for most American consumers. The first thing I noticed, as I drove into the massive parking lot that surrounded the building like a cement moat, was that it was filled almost to capacity. There seemed to be a steady stream of shoppers pouring into the building and few leaving. Despite the immensity of the parking lot it took a while to find an empty bay and I eventually finished up parking on the far side of the garden supply area where there were a few spaces left because we were well past gardening season. It meant a long hike to the main entrance and I soon found myself joining multiple streams of shoppers that merged into one giant torrent that poured endlessly into the store. I found myself wondering if maybe there was a black hole inside where people disappeared as soon as they had spent all their money, because I never saw anybody coming out. The main entrance was huge and led into an equally huge vestibule packed with vending machines and glossy advertising displays of the bargains to be had further inside the store. The largest of the displays featured movies that had just come out on DVD, which gave the impression that Wal-Mart had also taken over Hollywood. Judging from the movies we’ve been getting lately, maybe it has! I was barely a few feet into the store when an elderly gentleman wearing a blue vest asked me if I had anything to return. ‘Return’ I thought. Didn’t he realize there were still a few of us left who had never set foot in a Wal-Mart? And what kind of store was this, I asked myself; when it had to hire a guy full-time just to handle returns?I have to say Disney World has nothing on Wal-Mart. I wondered if every Wal-Mart store was bigger than Disney World because this one looked like it could have accommodated the magic kingdom with room to spare. All I could do was look around in awe at aisle after aisle of stuff that seemed to stretch to the far horizon. For a moment I thought I saw clouds in the distance until I realized it was just my eyes fogging under the bright lights and the reflected glare of the merchandize. Intimidated by the immensity of it all I took a step back and realized I was standing in front of a bank. This store was so big it apparently needed a bank of its own, just like the fake main street at Disney World. Except this bank was real and people were taking out real money. What a great idea, I thought. A store so helpful it put in a bank so that people would never run out of money. Maybe these banks worked like casinos, I thought, and give you an instant credit check so they could loan you money to keep shopping. Just then a young man in a Wal-Mart vest approached me and asked if he could help. I guess I was blocking the flow of traffic into the store. I told him "no thanks" and started off on my first exploration of DisneyWal, ah, excuse me, Wal-Mart.Passing through an open area in front of the cash registers I noticed little islands populated by people wearing blue vests who were there only to help people spend money. There was a microphone on a large lectern where the latest specials could be announced and thick ledgers that Wal-Mart employees used to help the lost shopper find what he or she was looking for. I hurried through this area as quickly as I could before any of these eagle-eyed shopper-hawks could swoop down on me and sell me something. I ducked down the nearest open aisle I could find which turned out to be: Appliance Land. I never knew there were so many different types of can opener. There were the normal, hand-held can openers that didn’t need batteries or have to be plugged in and came in every color known to mankind and a few I’d never seen before. There were also can openers that had more electronics than a BMW. I found a push button can opener in which the can could be placed on a round disc and the can would not only be opened but lifted and tipped so its contents could be poured into a dish. Then the can and its removed top would both be cleaned and crushed into a piece of aluminum foil and put in a storage container to be thrown out with the other recyclables. I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if you were to catch a finger or a piece of clothing in the machine. I may be a wuss in the kitchen but I am naturally suspicious of gadgets that have the power to pick you up, eviscerate you, sponge bath you from top to bottom then crush you and store you in a box until it’s time to throw you out. Turning into another aisle I found myself surrounded by tens of thousands of CD’s. I think they were all alphabetically ordered but I could not figure out if they were set up vertically or horizontally. Since my wife loved Andrea Boccelli I thought his latest CD might make a good Christmas gift so I found one of the helpful blue vested Wal-Mart associates and asked if she could tell me where I might find a CD by Andrea Boccelli. She asked me who he was, I told her he was an opera singer and she looked at me like I was some kind of troublemaker. I guessed they didn’t get too many rabble rousing opera fans in Wal-Mart. She then pointed to a computer terminal at the end of a display of "Shrek" DVD’s where she said I could do my own search. The only problem with this was that there was a line of people waiting to use it longer than any I’d ever seen waiting to get on a ride at Disney World. I guessed this was what happened to the people who never left Wal-Mart. They died waiting in line! For the next hour or so I wandered in a daze through hundreds of aisles past millions of pieces of merchandize that occupied every inch of space the giant building had to offer. This store not only had everything, it had every possible type of everything I had ever imagined. I never knew before that there were more than 100 different types of lint brush you could choose from, and I am not sure that knowledge made me any wiser or better off. In fact there was so much stuff to choose from I became completely disoriented and feared I might be lost in there forever. Fighting my rising panic I worked my way back to the entrance of the store where my adventure began and when I say ‘worked’ I mean worked. I had to work my way back through cosmetics, bug sprays, furniture, clothing, pictures, food (yes, there is actually a grocery store in the middle of the store), a pharmacy and even an eyeglass store. How long before somebody came up with a new reality TV show, called "Surviving Wal-Mart" I wondered. When I got back to the store entrance I realized I had been so overwhelmed by the Wal-Mart experience that I hadn’t actually bought anything. That didn’t stop another Wal-Mart associate approaching me to ask if she could help me check out. This woman had a series of cables attached to a headset and a belt that were then connected to a gigantic black box so she looked like she’d been transformed into some kind of Wal-Mart cyborg. Then I realized she was a roaming check-out person whose job it was to help shoppers like me who didn’t have enough to make it worth standing line. Hell, I didn’t have anything and the last thing I wanted was to buy something so she could zap my name and address into that big black box and make me a part of Wally World. Just as I was about to leave the store I noticed all kinds of giant stuffed animals hanging from the ceiling. Among them was a life-sized moose. At least I think it was life sized because I’ve never seen one in the wild but I had now in the wilds of Wal-Mart no less. I left the store deciding that my life was now complete. I had survived a visit to Wal-Mart and I had seen a moose. Not a real moose, maybe but I didn’t want to push my luck. I’d rather leave the real moose alone where they belong, at peace in the woods. The End.
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