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Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details. Weekend Handyman by J. G. Fabiano I thought I had it perfectly planned! I ordered a glass shower door for my bathroom from Home Depot, and they were scheduled to get it in a few days before a contractor was to finish painting the inside of my house. Since he was here anyways, he said he would take some time to install the door for me. I was actually proud of myself because of my planning prowess but, the best-planned plans have a tendency to unravel when one gloats over them. Home Depot delivered the door on time but there was one slight problem; they delivered the wrong size door! The man, I had planned to do the installing, told me he would be too busy in the future, so I was left to do what I considered the impossible. I would have to install the door myself. The shower door arrived on a Friday afternoon, just in time to destroy what I had hoped would be a relaxing weekend. I was actually going to suggest that we wait a couple of weeks for our contractor friend to finish up some work, but my wife immediately gave me that, "can't you do anything around the house anymore" gaze. Hoping to retain some of my pride, I told her that I would install the shower door first thing the next morning. I thought to myself that it can't be all that hard to do. The next morning I carried the box that contained the shower door up to our bedroom. Under ordinary circumstances this would not have been a difficult task but I had just had the inside of our house painted. I knew that if I ever banged, or scratched, the wall with the box I would have to pay the piper. The piper being my wonderful and beautiful wife. The door was not that heavy but it was large enough to be cumbersome. I managed to make it through the kitchen without hitting any of the walls, but I did knock off one of my favorite coffee cups from the kitchen table. I didn't care because I had not just had the coffee cup painted! I finally made it to the bedroom and carefully placed the shower door on the rug next to our bathroom. I thought to myself that I had probably just survived the hardest part of my day. It did not take long to understand that this concept was far from fact. I then opened the box and separated all of the parts, so that I could find them when the instructions told me to look for them. I also opened up the "hardware" and separated all of the different sized nuts and bolts, in tiny piles. This particular bag also had plastic anchors, tape, Allen wrenches, and some unknown plastic things. My project for this particular Saturday was beginning to frighten me. It took me a little under an hour to separate all of the parts and accumulate the tools I needed to accomplish my task. I had inherited most of my tools from my father. This meant that they were dated some time before World War II. I was actually beginning to feel some confidence because I could actually find all of the tools I needed. The only thing I didn't have was the silicon corking that I purchased at the True Value store on Route One. The woman who owns the store is very pleasant and usually has everything a weekend fixer-upper could need. I was now ready to begin my task. I unfolded the directions, or, as the door company called them, "The Owners Manual", and became familiarized with all the parts as shown in the exploded view on page 4. Hell! If they wanted to see the exploded view all they would have to do was visit my bedroom. The first thing I was told to do was determine if the door should pivot on the right or left side. Ok, I thought I could handle this problem. I called my wife immediately to make the decision. Our new door would pivot on the right side. I was then told to measure the width on the center of the shower base ledge, but cut the bottom track 1/16" shorter than the width, for clearance. I came to the shocked realization that I would have to cut the track because it was a full 5 inches too long. Off to my favorite hardware store I drove to pick up a hacksaw. When I arrived back home, I measured the width of the stall at least 25 times, because if I was to cut it too short there would be little I could do about it, other than drive over to Home Depot to purchase another door! I then measured the bottom track another 25 times, marked it, and proceeded to cut it with the saw. The first few strokes were easy but after that the saw decided that it did not want to move. After a few moments of almost bending the base in two I decided to use a pair of heavy-duty scissors. I decided to wait until the next morning to go to the hardware store to pick up a new pair. I finally got through the base with the hacksaw, after about a half an hour. My day was beginning to become very long. I was surprised to see that I had measured the base correctly and that it fitted at the base of my shower. Of course, the hammer helped but it still did fit. I was then instructed to cork the bottom, and the side, of the base. Since my cork gun was older than I and the cork was a mixture of state-of-the-art polymers, it exploded in my hand when I tried to use it. I was then forced to work with a thumb and four fused fingers on each hand. I felt like I was climbing down the evolutionary ladder! The next stage of the directions told me to position the pivot and adjustable wall channels in the proper position, on top of the bottom track and align the pivot side channel behind the raised portion of the track. Then align the adjustable channel in the position on the track. I was beginning to hyperventilate. I asked myself, "Who writes this stuff". Is it some sort of sadistically insane engineer who gets his jollies by making those who fear a screwdriver nuts? Most of my life I have been comfortable with amino acid sequences and quantum mechanics but, this stuff is well and truly beyond anything that I could possibly comprehend. The diagrams above the instructions were even worse, in fact, they looked as thought they didn't go along with anything the instructions said. I then did what every red-blooded American man does when he is confronted with this problem, I threw aside the directions and studied the picture that was on the front of the box. So what if I leave out a few parts; so what if the door has a tendency to open up in the middle of your shower. I believe that is why they put tiles on most bathroom floors! I then proceeded in putting up what I hoped would become a shower door. The frame came together as I thought it should. I was not so fortunate with the door, it was not that it did not fit in the frame but the only way it could fit was upside down! This meant that the handle would be very convenient to any young child or below 4-foot adult. I started to panic. I had now been working on this project for over three hours, and all I had to show for it was some broken tools, holes in the shower stall, and a fear that I was destined to take baths for the rest of my natural life. I was also bleeding profusely through the new hole I decided to put in the palm of my hand. I then did what every incompetent homeowner has done, every time he finds himself in this position. I called my neighbor and pleaded with him to help me out of this quandary. About an hour later the shower stall was completed. He actually thanked me as he left because he stated that he had never seen anything so screwed up before in his entire life. I told him 'Thanks!' and proceeded to bandage my still bleeding hand. As I was cleaning up the carnage that I had left behind I noticed the "Owners Manual" that was crumbled in the corner of my bedroom. I also noticed that they were for a bathtub and not a shower stall. So much for the best-laid plans of a weekend handyman! The End
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